raveydavey
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Are you a Retrosexual..?First, check you're not a metrosexual.
You are one if . . .
You find gay men come on to you and you feel flattered.
You carry a manbag (aka a purse to normal blokes) and your suitcase, no matter how small, has wheels.
You like to go “commando”.
You call men’s toiletries “products”.
You know your hairdresser’s name.
You know what a manicure, pedicure, facial or exfoliation is.
Retrosexual rules of physical contact
A firmly-gripped hand and two shakes are permitted on meeting or departing.
One congratulatory hearty slap on the back is permitted after a birth/divorce announcement or a score of more than a hundred at darts.
Sporting congratulations can consist of either of the above or a small ruffle of the hair (A playful exchange of small punches can be OK, but steer clear of wrestling, leg entanglement or any grappling which brings the faces into close proximity.)
When officially accepted as being drunk, a man can hug, lick and kiss any other man – provided he apologises within 12 hours of sobering up.
The Retrosexual man's checklist for decision making
Will anyone die?
Do I care?
Retrosexual shopping basket
Box of 12 cans of lager
Bottle of Jack Daniel’s
Two ready meal curries – extra hot
Two tins of Heinz beans
Two Pot Noodles
Large bag of potatoes
One large steak
Toilet rolls
Large slab of economy cheddar cheese
PG Tips tea bags
Six eggs
First date rules for a Retrosexual
Say something nice about her looks but in a way that shows a lack of understanding: “That’s a nice badge, brooch-type thing you’re wearing.”
If she starts banging on about stuff that doesn’t interest you, the general rule is nod twice and smile at 20-second intervals.
Be assertive. Be prepared to order for her at the restaurant and try to send some element of your meal back to show you mean business.
and dont forget the ten commandments
1. A retrosexual always pays for the date. If she tries to insist, so much the better. He still pays.
2. A retrosexual deals with it. Flat car batteries, house break-ins, cable TV malfunction, earthquake damage -- he just gets on with it.
3. A retrosexual never acknowledges he is in a relationship.
4. A retrosexual always carves the Sunday roast. Make sure you know what you’re doing—practise on the cat, spend an hour taking notes at the kebab shop.
5. A retrosexual is never seen in the passenger seat, unless it is a minicab, in which case he asks the driver if he can sit in the front.
6. A retrosexual must never cry in public. When he is alone he can cry in two instances—the death of a faithful dog or his team’s defeat in a Cup semi-final.
7. A retrosexual has a complete set of tools and at least three types of power tool, which he is often seen handling, if not actually using.
8. A retrosexual refuses to see a doctor even if he has a rare tropical disease that means his genitals are about to fall off. He is, however, allowed to let everyone know how he is suffering from the common cold.
9. A retrosexual should have at least one wound, with an accompanying story which lasts at least five minutes.
10. A retrosexual always stands in a pub. Seats are for couples and for Guardian readers.
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